What am I?

* flatulence is never far
* my fingernails are uncharacteristically flaky
* I cry at beauty
* 11 am every day I get a hangover without having boozed last night
* my temper has softened
* my house is extremely messy
* I piss like a bitch
* none of my clothes fit
* I can't stop drinking long cold glasses of milk, at lightening speed
* garlic makes me feel sick
* bending over makes me feel sick
* I have a husband who is uncontrollably redecorating our house
* my relationship with the couch is close and dependable
* I can't read
* I can't jog
* I can't sauna
* I have finally accepted that I have no control over my life at all, for now yet I feel blessed beyond words

What am I?