All' Alba

Tonight I'm scooting and scrolling about the net. Our fresh 14 week old fetus has abducted my fingers, toes, nose and tongue in order to make its own. My heart is fuller than ever and my arse concurs in fullness. A friend commented on my full 'rack' 2 days ago. I'm all full heart, arse and rack these days. Comical and true. I think the all day morning sickness has given me the day off today.

Having little R has shown me that we become our children as much as they become like us. I've inherited more from her than she has me. I wonder if new baby's weightless watery and flexible bubble feels like how I've been feeling. Am I mirroring baby's sense of space with this odd groundless sensation? Time has stopped, front, back, up and sideways have been too hard to differentiate. One small movement causes perpetual motion of my waters. My vestibular works are all cocked up. In short: I've been infiltrated by a fake sea sickness laced with a fake chronic hang over that makes me feel like I don't know where I am any more.

Pregnancy strips quietly, not just physically. Actually one way I can put up with this 1st trimester oddness is due to how bloody liberating pregnancy is, emotionally. The pay-off isn't just the potential of a new family member. It's self-altering, kind of how the death works. It forces you to give up the trite shite and let the big stuff wash over. It smacks you in the gob while shouting "Get the fuck over yourself, will ya!!!". Nature can be a real snippy bitch sometimes.

Today while sitting quietly I felt another wave of letting go. There's still lots more to come but today a newer and surer sense of letting nature take its pathway came; I threw my internal arms up in the air and said "Fucking hell, how could anyone think having children is burdensome! It takes away the delusion of control. Come on nature, let it happen ~ I'm at your mercy!". My job here it to let it happen, no matter the outcome. Nature likes it when she doesn't have to beat you into the truth. She prefers you to work it out for yourself, like all good mothers, friends and sisters do.

I had that bitch-slapped feeling when mum died. I remember someone asking me how I felt just a few days after she died and I remember it feeling really similar to the few days following childbirth; euphoric and frightening and like I'd reduced to a thing that's less than the size of a pin prick. Birth and death are to big to battle or sway with logic. Battle money issues, sway your therapist through your mine/mind fields. Death and life won't have it. They demand we relinquish our hold. Love does this too, don't you think?